So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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