forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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