I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
