Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
