I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
