I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
