hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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