I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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