before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
