I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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