I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
