Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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