Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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