i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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