good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
