2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
