I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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