remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
