my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
