shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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