i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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