This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
