It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
