you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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