Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
