well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
