Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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