(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
