good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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