You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
