New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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