Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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