Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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