I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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