He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
