Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
