You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
