Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
