you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
