god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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