I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
