Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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