Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
