Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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