I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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