it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
