I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
