Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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