I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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