Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I need water and some morals
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
