And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
